


Free Falling

by Rroselavy



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-29
Updated: 2010-06-29
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:59:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rroselavy/pseuds/Rroselavy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Goku reveals that he knows Sanzo is attracted to him, can Sanzo keep living in denial?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free Falling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chomiji](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=chomiji).



In the months after they returned from India victorious, Goku watched from afar as Sanzo slowly closed in on himself and became brittle and hard. To Goku, it seemed that Sanzo was slowly turning into stone, immovable and unfeeling. He barely spoke to anyone, and what little conversation he did engage in was laced with profanity and harsh sentiments; often escalating into bouts of verbal abuse that would only end with the loud _slam_ of his office door, leaving an aggrieved monk fuming in the narrow hallway outside. Goku had taken to following in Sanzo's wake to smooth things over, for which the Abbot of Keiun was grateful. The net result was that Goku now occupied a place of esteem at the monastery--one that even his heroics in India hadn't earned him. No one complained about feeding him anymore. In fact, very often the monks would come to him with their petty problems, rather than 'disturb Sanzo-sama with such trifles.'

It was an unbearable position for Goku. He'd fully understood Sanzo's attitude when they'd been on their mission, but now, it was as if nothing had changed. Moreover, things had only gotten worse. Sanzo's moods were now blacker than they'd ever been, so dark that even Goku had taken to avoiding him for long stretches of the day. When he did spend time in Sanzo's presence, Goku couldn't help but notice how grey he seemed; it was as if his complexion was as colorless as the endless piles of papers that littered his desk.

And then there was the tension. Goku had long understood that Sanzo was attracted to him--he wasn't an idiot; the unique bond they shared was crystal clear to him--but he'd known, too, that unlike Hakkai and Gojyo, Sanzo would not have anything get in the way of first accomplishing what he'd been ordered to do by the Sanbutsushin, and second, his personal mission of recovering his master's sutra. With both tasks completed, though, Goku had anticipated that things would change between them--a change that he would welcome whole-heartedly.

Instead, the tension only grew and, after a few weeks, it was apparent that if anything were to happen, he would need to make the first move. So Goku pondered how.

He couldn't exactly drop subtle hints or innuendos; he knew he was pretty incapable of that kind of finesse, and just trying would probably only earn him a few good swats from the harisen. Or worse, a couple of bullets. Which, in turn, would upset the tenuous peace in the monastery.

The only alternative was to be completely frank, which was most likely equally perilous.

It took Goku a few more weeks to work up the courage, but he did, finally. He sat quietly in Sanzo's office one bright, afternoon watching a sunbeam crawl across the worn prayer rug while waiting to be acknowledged. As the time passed, he grew progressively more fidgety. He knew Sanzo was deliberately ignoring him, but he was determined to wait it out. He picked up an old magazine and began to page through it. When that held no interest, he began to drum his fingers on the upholstered arm of the chair.

Sanzo sighed and slammed the ledger he'd been working in closed.

"What is it?" he asked, his voice edged in hostility, as he leveled his gaze at Goku.

Goku had rehearsed what he was going to say over and over, but now, when faced with Sanzo's unprovoked anger, his resolve wavered momentarily. He gulped hard.

"I-I need to talk to ya. I just want you to hear me out."

Sanzo folded his arms across his chest and Goku scrambled for his opening. He'd thought quite a bit about why Sanzo hadn't acted on what Goku thought was an obvious attraction. It couldn't be the sex thing, because Sanzo cursed and drank and occasionally gambled with some of the other monks; he didn't seem too concerned with following his Buddhist tenets to the letter. One reason could be because Sanzo didn't think he was interested in him. He jumped out of the seat.

"Sanzo I…I'veknownforalongtimethatyou'reattractedtome," he breathed out, then added in an equal rush, "andIreaaaaaallylikeyou." As he waited expectantly for some kind of a response, Goku counted the _ticks_ marking the passing of seconds from the clock on the wall behind him. He'd made it to seventeen before Sanzo replied.

"You're insane."

Goku winced and then blinked a few times in reaction to the hits from Sanzo's fan that never came. When Goku ventured a glance at him, he could see that Sanzo hadn't even moved. If it were possible, Sanzo looked paler, except for two faint smudges of red on his cheeks, but otherwise, Goku could have just said that he was hungry or remarked about the weather, said anything but the confession he'd just blurted.

He took that to be a promising signal. So maybe Sanzo hadn't doubted that he would be attracted to him. Goku had prepared for that. Maybe Sanzo thought that he'd disappear just like his master--Koumyou Sanzo--had all those years ago.

"Sanzo…I know…maybe you were thinkin' that when you got the other sutra back that you'd get a piece of him back, too..." he began. "An' I guess that it's kinda hard for you because that didn't happen." The words spilled out of his lips effortlessly, and somewhere in his mind Goku had the feeling that if he could just keep talking that Sanzo would listen and eventually he'd see the logic to his reasoning, and maybe, eventually, he would agree. Sanzo had to know that he would never abandon him.

"But I'm not like _him_. I'm not gonna disappear--"

Something about Sanzo's expression stopped Goku cold. He knew enough not to push any further, so he stood silently, bearing Sanzo's wrath and unspoken grief. It washed over Goku in waves, tangible despite Sanzo's inability or refusal to articulate it.

It was all right though; Goku felt relieved for having said something about it. That he hadn't been shot for it was probably a good sign.

"Get out."

Every fiber in his body warned Goku that he should heed Sanzo's order, but at the same time he was tired of the game of avoidance they'd been playing. Now that it was out in the open--now that he'd told Sanzo that he knew the truth--Goku was determined to get an answer from Sanzo--preferably one that wasn't a denial.

"No," he said defiantly, crossing his arms in a position that mimicked Sanzo's.

When it was obvious that Goku wasn't budging, Sanzo stood up.

"Fine. Then I'm going." He stalked out from behind his desk, deliberately bumping Goku's shoulder as he passed; Goku spun to watch him leave. Sanzo turned to face him when he'd reached the doorway.

"Just answer me this. When the fuck have you ever lost anything that ever mattered?"

He slammed the door emphatically before Goku could answer. Goku imagined the air around the heavy wood shimmered with the reverberations of the sound. He stood motionless, listening to the sound of Sanzo's footsteps carrying him away, and remained that way until long after silence had once again descended upon the entire temple wing.

"Once, I lost you," he reported to the quiet room.

After a while, Goku realized Sanzo wasn't coming back anytime soon, so he turned to his desk and sat down at the chair. Gingerly, he sifted through the piles of papers.

They were accounts of the day-to-day operations of the monastery that still needed to be entered in the huge ledger that looked centuries old. Lifting the worn leather cover only confirmed it. The ink was faded on the first few pages, but what caught Goku's eye was the different handwriting and ink colors that changed every so often; the book in itself was a history of the various masters of Keiun. The last few pages were in Sanzo's hand; just seeing his familiar scrawl warmed Goku's heart. Things would be all right. Even if Sanzo never admitted to his feelings, Goku couldn't think of anywhere else he'd rather be than by his side.

It didn't seem a hard job, although it certainly looked to be a tedious one. Goku grew tired of sitting there wondering whether or not he should give up his siege or wait Sanzo out and he regarded the stacks of papers again. One thing he could do was sort them by date, that would make Sanzo's job easier when he returned.

By the time Goku finished, the beautiful day had become overcast and stormy, and his stomach had been complaining of hunger for quite a while, not that that was terribly unusual. He stood and stretched, rolling his shoulders to ease the tension that had settled across his upper back. He rubbed his belly and yawned. Dinner, and then bed beckoned, although--Goku acknowledged defeat in his attempt to outlast Sanzo--he'd stop by Sanzo's rooms and make his apologies first. Before he could get there, there, though, he was met in the hallway by one of the Abbot's undersecretaries, Tsetsen.

"Goku-san! Have you seen Sanzo-sama?" The young man's face was a study in worry, and Goku felt his alarm rising in reaction. He glanced out the open window he'd stopped next to. Rain was coming down in a steady downpour, the runoff from the temple eaves creating a watery curtain.

"N-no, I haven't. I thought he was in his rooms," he replied uncertainly.

"No, I already checked there. He went out several hours ago! No one has seen him since!"

"Didn't he say where he was going?"

"He was in one of his moods," the secretary replied, giving Goku a knowing look. Tsetsen shrugged. "We thought if anyone would know--"

Goku felt near-panic grip him. Sanzo was out in the rain. A shiver raced down his spine. "Maybe he had business at Chang'An?" he asked, his hopes dimming.

"He didn't head off in that direction. Besides … we have dignitaries coming tomorrow, they expect an audience with the Master."

Goku remembered. Some political bigwig and his family currying favor with the monastery--as if his fortune would somehow get him a better deal in his next life. It was his turn to shrug. The relationship between the order, the religion and the worshippers was incomprehensible to Goku; all he knew was that Sanzo suffered the pleasantries with barely-concealed disdain, one eye on the clock counting off the minutes so he could end the meeting at the exact appointed time.

All thoughts of food and sleep vanished. He needed to find Sanzo. Sanzo had never gotten over his hatred of the rain, and the thought of him out there, soaked to the skin, the memories of his horrid past folded around him, made Goku's blood run cold.

"D'ya know which way he headed?"

"Jampa saw him heading toward the old cemetery."

Another shudder wracked Goku's body. He _hated_ that creepy place, so much so that he avoided the path that led to it at all costs. He wondered what Sanzo would be doing hanging out there. The answer that came to him was reasonable and irrational at the same time: Sanzo had chosen that place because Goku wouldn't follow him there.__

Goku frowned and glanced out at the rain again. If anything, it seemed like it was coming down harder. As if in confirmation, a thunderclap sounded directly above the temple, shaking the walls. He turned back to Tsetsen and noticed he was holding an umbrella.

"C'n I borrow that? I'm gonna go find Sanzo." He didn't say "look for," because Goku knew he wouldn't come back without him.

Tsetsen's eyes widened. "Goku-san! The weather's supposed to get much worse--the storm is just rolling in over the mountains now!"

"All the more reason for me to go an' get him." He held out his hand and Tsetsen gave him the umbrella. Goku took it then strode purposefully toward the entrance to the temple, stopping briefly to change from slippers into boots--footwear far more appropriate for the wet, muddy surfaces he expected to encounter on his search.

The flagstones of the courtyard were slippery, the grooves between them filled with running water. Fortunately the umbrella was huge and the wind had yet to pick up, so Goku was able to stay relatively dry as he made his way toward the overgrown path that led down-slope from the monastery.

The only sound that accompanied Goku was the rain, muted now by the pine trees that crowded the trail, his breathing, and the wet, squishy noise his boots made on the muddy path. The air was fragrant with ozone and pine resin and, as he came upon the open space where the cemetery was situated, the green of the grass was vibrant against the dreary backdrop of the overcast sky. The few stone markers sprouted like pale teeth from the ground. He scrunched his nose as he pushed open the ancient wrought-iron gate. There were no tell-tale footprints on the overgrown lawn; it didn't look like anyone had been there for quite some time.

"I don't need you to look after me."

Goku wheeled to the sound of Sanzo's voice. He was standing under the canopy of a gnarled tree, the glow of the cherry red glow of the end of his cigarette the only warm color Goku had seen since he'd left the temple. It drew his eye for a moment before he settled on Sanzo. He was soaked, his hair plastered down against his skull, his robes weighed down by water. The hem was filthy with mud.

Goku didn't know exactly how to answer him. There was no point in arguing, though, so he only held the umbrella aloft higher and stood there expectantly. Sanzo stubbed his cigarette against the damp tree trunk and then pocketed the remnants before stepping under the umbrella's shelter. He began walking toward the path without waiting, so Goku nearly stumbled trying to keep up.

They walked in silence; only now the scents that came to Goku were all tempered by Sanzo's; the musk of his body, the omnipresent tobacco, and underneath, what Goku had long understood--the tantalizing hint of arousal. As comforting as the smell was, it made Goku sad now. He lowered his eyes to the ground and watched his boots splash through the mud.

By the time they reached the temple again, the storm was picking up. Thunder rolled and lightning flashed in the dusk. They stepped under the eaves and Goku folded up the umbrella while Sanzo proceeded through the entrance and kicked off his sandals. Next came the _tabi_, then the sutra was rolled and laid on small altar so that he could shrug out of his breastplate and soaked-through robes. He held gathered up his wet clothes and held them out to Goku.

"Take these to the laundry."

Goku hastily kicked off his boots and donned his temple slippers before taking the garments.

"And when you're done sulking, come see me in my rooms. We aren't through with this conversation, not by a long shot." With that he turned his back on Goku and stalked away, leaving him there with his mouth half open.

Goku tried desperately not to get his hopes up, but he couldn't help it in the end; the fact that he was unscathed after the bombshell he'd dropped only fueled his irrational belief that somehow he would be able to convince Sanzo to act upon what they'd both been feeling. By the time he was standing in front of Sanzo's door, though, his body was tingling all over in anticipation, and he was hard, achingly so.

Sanzo let Goku in and then turned his back on him; he'd changed out of his black sheath and jeans, and slipped into a robe. He leaned against the window sill and stared out into the dimly lit courtyard. The rain pattered against the pane and Goku could hear the leaves on the trees thrashing in the wind. He noticed that Sanzo towel-dried his hair; it looked damp, but had conformed to its usual mussed-up appearance. From his collar-line, Goku followed the knobs of his spine, which were evident through the thin material of the robe. Sanzo turned suddenly.

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you want to devour me whole."

Goku felt his cheeks flush with heat. "I didn't mean anything by it!"

"You didn't." Sanzo stalked toward him, filling his field of vision. Goku kept his eyes glued to Sanzo's chest, now noticing the notch at the base of his throat and he wondered what it would taste like if he delved his tongue into the hollow. That thought expanded to take in Sanzo's sternum, and then, hell, why would he want to stop there? Goku screwed his eyes shut. He was doomed. Doomed and perverted, because he was about to get his head handed to him and all he could think about was sex.

The next time Sanzo spoke, Goku could feel his breath puffing his hair. "I know you better than that," he said. His voice was strained, and his smell--it was all Goku could do to just stand there and let it wash over him, when he wanted to lick every surface of his skin. _His_ body knew exactly what Sanzo wanted, regardless of Sanzo's denial. Goku clenched his hands into fists.

"I'm sorry--"

Sanzo's thumb traced over Goku's lower lip, silencing him. He opened his eyes under an intense gaze. The expression on Sanzo's face was unreadable.

"I'm only going to hurt you," he said. Goku concentrated hard on Sanzo's voice, trying his best to ignore the path his calloused thumb was taking. Now it was joined by his other fingers curving along Goku's neck as it slid over his Adam's apple. "I'm going to die, Goku, and you'll be left alone again."

"I--I don't care." Goku swallowed hard. "It doesn't matter 'cause you're right here, right now," he added, more boldly.

Sanzo's hand stopped. "And what about when I grow old?" Goku could already see the hint of crow's feet around Sanzo's eyes, the minutest wrinkles forming between his cheeks and lips. It _still_ didn't matter to him. What mattered was that they were together. They'd survived the journey, they'd come back as heroes, together.

"I just want us to be together, even if … even if nothing changes."

"It already has changed, though. You can't take back what you said. Do you want to?" Sanzo's voice was clipped and it sounded strange to Goku's ears.

He didn't know what to make of Sanzo; he was bewildered by the way he was acting. His hand was so gentle against his skin, but the things he was saying were meant as a rebuff.

"What do you want me to do?" Goku asked softly. He was almost afraid of the answer. The hand fell away and Goku frowned. In that instant he felt more foolish than he ever had before. He waited for the inevitable _fuck off_, but instead, the next thing Goku knew, Sanzo's hands were threaded through his hair, and he was being pushed up against the wall. Before Goku could fully react, Sanzo had crushed their mouths together and his knee had parted Goku's legs. Sanzo's erection ground against his hardness and Goku moaned into Sanzo's mouth. At the same time, Goku anchored his hands on Sanzo's biceps and he kissed him back with equal voraciousness. Once ignited, the passion threatened to consume Goku. He held onto Sanzo for all he was worth, his eyes shut tightly, afraid if he peeked or let go, he would wake up and find out it was only a dream.

Sanzo released his mouth and blazed a rough path down Goku's throat, his hands awkwardly yanking at Goku's shirt, exposing more skin to be explored by lips and tongue. Goku was sure that he'd come in his pants long before Sanzo even approached his waistband. Teeth grazed over his nipple and Goku reflexively arched into the torment, deliriously searching for the right words to convey what he wanted.

"Sanzo, fuck me, _pleeeease_," he finally managed. His eyes met Sanzo's smoldering gaze, and Goku felt a rush of adrenalin, knowing that he was responsible for that lust-filled expression. Sanzo stepped back.

"Take off your clothes."

The order sent a thrill down Goku's spine, and heat blossomed in his belly when he glimpsed Sanzo loosening the belt that cinched his robe, revealing his pale, beautiful body. Goku's breath caught when he'd finally kicked away his jeans and could pay full attention to Sanzo in all his nakedness. Even though he'd seen Sanzo naked countless times, it had never been this arousing. Sanzo's dick was flushed and engorged and Goku would have dropped to his knees right then and there if it hadn't been for Sanzo's next order.

"Get your ass onto the bed, _now_."

Goku's cock twitched in agreement and he scrambled up onto the bed. Remaining on his hands and knees, he wriggled his butt in a way that he hoped was remotely sexy. It mustn't have been half bad, judging from the strangulated sound that Sanzo made.

His whole body was shaking. He heard Sanzo fiddling with a bureau drawer, and then, as he came close to Goku, he smelled the sweet scent of almonds.

"Goku, are you sure?" Sanzo asked. His hands glided over Goku's ass, leaving a slick trail. They prized apart his cheeks.

"Neverbeensurer," the air rushed out of his lungs and white sparks danced behind his eyelids when Sanzo's finger slid easily into his hole. "Fuck! More!" he begged, grinding against the digit, which was way to small for Goku's liking. "You ain't gonna break me!"

"Shut up, moron!" Sanzo hissed. He pulled his finger out, and for a moment, Goku thought that he'd blown it, but then he felt Sanzo's weight on the bed behind him and the blunt thickness of his cock pressing insistently at his entrance until the muscles slowly gave way.

It burned, but Goku didn't care--Sanzo was inside him. He fisted the linens beneath his hands and bit his lip, willing his muscles looser, feeling Sanzo's dick stretching him further. He dropped his gaze to his own swollen cock. It glistened with precum. He watched Sanzo's hand reach around his hip to fist his erection. At the same time, Sanzo pulled out, only to snap his hips against Goku's ass seconds later, driving his cock deeper inside. It was all the warning Goku got, not that he minded. Sanzo had been right--he _did_ want to swallow him whole; right now, though, he'd settle for this: Sanzo's weight against his back as he fucked him senseless. Not that Goku had far to go, he was half out of his wits--half-crazed with desire--and Sanzo's hand jacking him off was nothing short of heavenly. He matched Sanzo grunt for grunt as his orgasm bore down on him. And then he was coming harder than he'd ever come before. He dropped to his elbows and then cried out. The change in position sent wave after wave of sparks cascading over his skin as Sanzo pounded him mercilessly. Within seconds heat bloomed deep inside him and Sanzo's movements slowed, then stopped. Goku's knees gave out and they collapsed to the bed together, Goku still enveloped in Sanzo's arms.

For a long time, Goku listened to Sanzo's labored breathing and felt his heartbeat against his back. When his breath had evened out, Goku tried to disentangle their limbs.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sanzo asked, holding Goku fast.

"I thought you--"

"You know, you think too much. It's annoying."

Goku smiled to himself and settled back in his place. He could live with that.


End file.
